The Day After

Why has this hit me so hard? Is it a surprise that someone lied about who they are on the internet? But it was so good, so believable. I heard his voice. Other people vouched for him. So I fought my natural skepticism and decided to believe in the truth. That he was real. That someone would get thru their life better than I ever have. That someone had their shit together. That he was the real deal, and someday, even if years from now, we'd all know who he was and be able to celebrate his accomplishments. The whole community would be able to join in the celebration.

And then the guy turns out to be a douche, however well intentioned he may have started off being. And not only has he taken everyone for a ride, but he toyed with people's hearts. Two specifically. It happened to me once, but not to this level. When I think about the lies, the deception - why would anyone be such a dick? I spend my life with every sort of trash of person - beaters, killers, molesters - and this just seems so cruel even to me. What justification can there be?

So everyone is in pain. Some more than others. And I should be old enough to just get over this and move on as just another bump in the road. But it seems so personal, even for someone I never met or talked to.

Actually I finally sent him an email before he left for his vacation. Here it is:

Hey Mikey. Been meaning to email you for awhile to say how much I respect you and how proud I am of you, although the pride thing is a bit weird since don't know you but for ur blog, but you know what I mean. Was going to have some wise words of advice to, but yeah, I've got nothing there. You've got your shit so together already, I think i'm impressed and jealous all at the same time lol. Kept trying to be something I'm not for way too long, thinking I could change things. Ended up just wasting a lot of time. Glad you're not fighting that same fight. I know you'd still change things if you could, but accepting you can't change is a huge deal. And believe me and everyone else that has told you that at some point you wouldn't change if you could.

I think today was supposed to be your big day, so I hope you're happy with your decision, and I hope it's all that you want it to be. I'm sure you'll kick ass wherever it is that you're going.

Fuck it, here's my stupid 40 year old guy advice: Don't be upset about being in the closet and think you're lying to everyone, but don't linger in there longer than you have to either. As if no one has told you that already. Always get irked when I see out guys saying how everyone should be out and it'll be great. And maybe they're right. But no one knows your situation but you, so just look out for yourself. But let yourself fall for someone too when your heart leads you that way. From what you've written, you're a romantic guy and are looking for the guy, so I don't have much doubt that you'll find him. Never thought I'd find the one, but I probably have. Bummer for me, my guy is on the other side of the world, but we've made whatever we have work for 8 years. Not that I don't wish more for you, or for anyone. I love my month a year in Australia and my nightly phone calls, but nothing beats eating dinner with your guy, or waking up with him next to you. The only thing I worry about for you is, if you're able to make a career of hockey, which if you say you can I have no doubt you can, that you'll keep putting off and putting off. Would only be natural. Just be open to the possibility that you can have it all. Or if not all, 85% isn't so bad either. I know you love hockey, but your soul can't live on hockey alone. Fuck, I'm talking about soul.

OK, that's it for me. I'm sure every other old guy who has written you has said the same shit. You don't need to reply, because I know the blog is for the guys your age dealing with all this, and you've got your hands full with them. The way you try to take care of everyone is legendary. Make sure you're taking care of yourself too. (More old guy advice there if you couldn't tell). Enjoy the vacay. Hopefully there'll be some good eye candy for you to enjoy ;-)

Take care buddy. If you ever need anything, you know you can always ask any of us out there. So fucking proud of you. Even if you think my Flyers will bite it early. OK, they will, but you didn't have to say it out loud.

Joe aka joejoejoe. Too many damn joes in mikeynation."


Needless to say I never got a response. And now I know the other's of the community deserved everything I said so much more than this dick. Hopefully it'll stop hurting soon. For all the kids who thought they had found someone like them. And for an old fuck like me who was just looking on with pride.

What to say?

I admit it. I'm in a funk. Been in a funk. Wallowing in a funk. Life bites blah blah blah.

Thanks to the wonders of international time zones and savings time, I don't get to talk to my man much. Before, I could stay up and talk to him pretty much every night. Not like I can fall asleep before 2am anyway. But 4am is a different story. Just not healthy. And for the life of me I can't wake up early on my own. If he called me before he went to bed, I could get up. But he doesn't, and I seem unable to do it on my own. So no talking to my love. No talking to anyone pretty much actually. Work ends, and I'm quietly home alone for the rest of the night. Hard to believe I end up in a funk.

Work has bit lately too. Nothing more than the ordinary though. Get tired of being such an ass all the time. Especially when my reputation precedes me. Told one guy my name the other day, and he started the eye roll, and started saying shit as he walked out the door. Ended up liking me of course when I got him a good deal. Then the dude today who sent letters to the boss complaining about me, with specific details of his gripes. Sadly the details didn't actually match anything in my history, but whatever. I'm not liked. I'm not respected. Blah blah blah.

Tomorrow at least there will be beer. Minor league baseball beer. Summer is back. Gray skies are going to clear up. I'll put on a happy face.

Oral pleasure. Not.

Sadly, the title doesn't refer to anything good. No, had to spend couple hours in dentist chair to take care of chipped tooth. Is that a sign I'm definitely getting old? Or not just getting, but am old? Mouth isn't meant to be open for that long. At least for that.

Wish I had something exciting to write. But no luck. Dull day at work, although I did get to tell someone who's not my client to fuck off. Usually I save that for my people. That's the kind of quality representation I provide. They do have to be stupid first to earn a fuck off. I don't pass those out to just anyone. Sadly, they all are pretty stupid. And even the ones you think might be ok end up being stupid. Thankfully, I've never been stupid.

So what else should I write about tonight? Probably shouldn't write anything. I can tell you how closeted I am I guess. Pretty much no one knows, at least from me. Aside from guys I've been with, I tink there are 4-5 people I've told. My good friend from work, the wife of another friend, a friend from high school who drunkenly asked me at a reunion, and a woman I gave a ride home to as a designated driver whose husband accused her of having an affair with me. Figured it could be something to throw in his face if he kept being an idiot. So that's the whole list. Pretty pathetic for a 40 year old.

I always figured I'd have to tell the family when I got in a relationship. Of course when I was thinking that, I didn't think I'd be in an intercontinental relationship. The family have met him and like him, but as far as I know, they just think he's a friend. Maybe someday I'll have the balls.

Hump Day

Alas, don't think there will actually be any humping today. Blah day. Didn't feel like going in to work so used up a sick day. And then still went in to the office around 4. Get bored at home too easily.

So everyone I've really hooked up with in the last 10 years or so I met from the internet. Is that as pathetic as it sounds? Probably. So today I got to talk to someone again I had one of those great chats with the first time around. But the magic was gone. Straight guy. Guess straighter than I had originally thought. Still nice, but it was over. He was so good for the ego for one night, but that's all it's meant to be I guess.

I felt the same spark with my guy the first time we chatted, but that spark still goes on. Coming up on 8 years now. Just wish he was here with me, not just a few weeks a year. Then again, may never have gotten to 8 years if he was around all the time.

Blah.

TGIF

Technically it's now Saturday I guess. Was a long day of basketball in the office. Not much law practiced. Except for the woman who showed up for her 2:00 appointment at 4:00. On a Friday. Seriously. Who does that? Not that I don't technically work til 5, but the brain stops way earlier, especially during March Madness. And my team won today. Woohoo. Always embarassing to go out in the first round.

So after work went to my buddy's place. Was hoping he would be alone, but the wife got back a few minutes after I got there. Not that I don't like her or anything like that, but I just like the back and forth my buddy and I have when we're alone. God that sounds gay. Oh wait..........

So I get back home around 10, and I get a message that one of the guys I've met recently wants to meet again. The body was weak. We met. Physically, he's so far out of my league. Not a huge fan of tats, which he's covered in, but I can overlook them for the softness of his skin. I guess he'd be considered African American. Or mixed. Or whatever. Not that it's really ever mattered to me. But he's a straight boy, just one who wants to be fucked. Never really understood that, but I don't doubt he's essentially straight. Sadly, I was a terrible fuck tonight. Too much beer earlier I guess. And once the mind gets involved during the act, things go downhill. Still he was nice about it. Hopefully he'll want to meet again, if for no other reason than so I can massage his neck and scalp and lick behind his ear. He definitely seems to like that. Ahhh, the simple things.

Happy Thursday

Could I be more amused that the Big East bit it today? No, I couldn't.

Pretty quiet day today. As everyone on the east coast knows, the weather has been perfect. Which means the office empties early. Which means I was bored early. When the work day is done, the social life is mostly over until the next day. How sad is that to write?

Hopefully I'm not that pathetic. I like to think I'm just a victim of circumstance. The circumstance being I'm in a smallish town where all my friends are married, some with kids. Since I'm not from around here, I pretty much just knows the people I work with. There's no gay life to speak of here. They did open up a gay bar in town, but judging from some pix I've seen on the internet, I won't be headed there anytime soon. Skeezy.

So how do I stay sane? I get to talk to my man. He's far far away, but thank you skype. I shouldn't be satisfied with that. But he's the one I love, and who ever wants to fall out of love? Now we're trying to find out when we're going to be together again. We have weeks together, months apart. For 8 years now. Even without having him with me, he still makes me feel whole.

I'll write more about when I don't end up sounding like a complete sap.

Happy St. Patty's Day

Just home after long afternoon of drinking in honor of the day. Followed by the traditional Irish meal of the Tour of Italy at Olive Garden.

My office is in a hole of a shopping center. One of the few perks is the stereotypical hole in the wall bar down the strip. Luckily for all, I had the brilliant idea to call it an early day and adjourn to the bar. 9 of us ended up down there, including my closest friend from work and the real world. Tebow was constantly on the TV for an hour, or so it seemed, and so my buddy was subjected to me at my gayest. I really shouldn't dislike Tebow the way I do, but it is what it is. That said, the man is undeniably hot. So after several beers, the impure thoughts needed to be voiced.

My buddy is the one guy that knows about me. Aside from the guys that have been with me. Had to fess up to him in a moment of HIV panic. All for nothing thankfully. But he has been cool about it. I just feel bad for him when he has to listen to me be OTT gay. Which I can be after I've had a few. He laughs, but I have to wonder what goes thru his straight guy head.

Buzz is wearing off so it's time to end this for the night. Have fun out there, no one in particular.