Why has this hit me so hard? Is it a surprise that someone lied about who they are on the internet? But it was so good, so believable. I heard his voice. Other people vouched for him. So I fought my natural skepticism and decided to believe in the truth. That he was real. That someone would get thru their life better than I ever have. That someone had their shit together. That he was the real deal, and someday, even if years from now, we'd all know who he was and be able to celebrate his accomplishments. The whole community would be able to join in the celebration.
And then the guy turns out to be a douche, however well intentioned he may have started off being. And not only has he taken everyone for a ride, but he toyed with people's hearts. Two specifically. It happened to me once, but not to this level. When I think about the lies, the deception - why would anyone be such a dick? I spend my life with every sort of trash of person - beaters, killers, molesters - and this just seems so cruel even to me. What justification can there be?
So everyone is in pain. Some more than others. And I should be old enough to just get over this and move on as just another bump in the road. But it seems so personal, even for someone I never met or talked to.
Actually I finally sent him an email before he left for his vacation. Here it is:
Hey Mikey. Been meaning to email you for awhile to say how much I respect you and how proud I am of you, although the pride thing is a bit weird since don't know you but for ur blog, but you know what I mean. Was going to have some wise words of advice to, but yeah, I've got nothing there. You've got your shit so together already, I think i'm impressed and jealous all at the same time lol. Kept trying to be something I'm not for way too long, thinking I could change things. Ended up just wasting a lot of time. Glad you're not fighting that same fight. I know you'd still change things if you could, but accepting you can't change is a huge deal. And believe me and everyone else that has told you that at some point you wouldn't change if you could.
I think today was supposed to be your big day, so I hope you're happy with your decision, and I hope it's all that you want it to be. I'm sure you'll kick ass wherever it is that you're going.
Fuck it, here's my stupid 40 year old guy advice: Don't be upset about being in the closet and think you're lying to everyone, but don't linger in there longer than you have to either. As if no one has told you that already. Always get irked when I see out guys saying how everyone should be out and it'll be great. And maybe they're right. But no one knows your situation but you, so just look out for yourself. But let yourself fall for someone too when your heart leads you that way. From what you've written, you're a romantic guy and are looking for the guy, so I don't have much doubt that you'll find him. Never thought I'd find the one, but I probably have. Bummer for me, my guy is on the other side of the world, but we've made whatever we have work for 8 years. Not that I don't wish more for you, or for anyone. I love my month a year in Australia and my nightly phone calls, but nothing beats eating dinner with your guy, or waking up with him next to you. The only thing I worry about for you is, if you're able to make a career of hockey, which if you say you can I have no doubt you can, that you'll keep putting off and putting off. Would only be natural. Just be open to the possibility that you can have it all. Or if not all, 85% isn't so bad either. I know you love hockey, but your soul can't live on hockey alone. Fuck, I'm talking about soul.
OK, that's it for me. I'm sure every other old guy who has written you has said the same shit. You don't need to reply, because I know the blog is for the guys your age dealing with all this, and you've got your hands full with them. The way you try to take care of everyone is legendary. Make sure you're taking care of yourself too. (More old guy advice there if you couldn't tell). Enjoy the vacay. Hopefully there'll be some good eye candy for you to enjoy ;-)
Take care buddy. If you ever need anything, you know you can always ask any of us out there. So fucking proud of you. Even if you think my Flyers will bite it early. OK, they will, but you didn't have to say it out loud.
Joe aka joejoejoe. Too many damn joes in mikeynation."
Needless to say I never got a response. And now I know the other's of the community deserved everything I said so much more than this dick. Hopefully it'll stop hurting soon. For all the kids who thought they had found someone like them. And for an old fuck like me who was just looking on with pride.
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